I really need these. I’m not even joking.

Christian Poincheval from France claims to have invented a pill which can transform the smell of your farts. 

He came up with the idea for the pills, called PilulePet, following a horrific smelling dinner party during which his guests couldn’t stand the foul stench emanating from his ass.

He said: “We were at a table with friends after a copious meal when we nearly asphyxiated ourselves with our smelly farts. That gas wasn’t great for our table neighbours, so something had to be done about this.”

He started his company, Lutin Malin (Cunning Imp) and began developing the pills in 2007. He now has a range of  several different scents on offer.

He claimed the pills are entirely natural, just a “dietary supplement based on natural ingredients”.

According to the website, “the fart pill is the result of lengthy research and trials and is on sale since 2007. Our fragrant variants also add a touch of humour for any occasion. Our numerous returning customers are no doubt the best proof.

The pills, which come in scents such as Christmas chocolate, May Day lily, St Valentine’s ginger, violet and rose, sell for roughly 19,90 Euros per bottle.

 

Every order is a surprise in this restaurant.

Dementia affects 47.5 million people with 9.9 million new cases each year worldwide. A pop-up restaurant in Tokyo was open for three days in an attempt to change the public’s perception of those suffering from dementia and Alzheimer’s. The Restaurant of Order Mistakes was staffed by sufferers of these disorders.

A few weeks ago six waitresses took orders and served food to customers in the short-lived restaurant. Each waitress suffers either from dementia or Alzheimer’s. One waitress, who used to work in a school, decided to participate since she was used to cooking for children and thought she could do it. 

Mizuho Kudo, a customer during the event, tweeted that while she ordered a hamburger, gyoza dumplings came out of the kitchen instead. But, she added that it was all fun and smiles and that she enjoyed the meal nonetheless. The concept was developed by executives from television, advertising, and the restaurant industry. It was a non-profit undertaking and the cooking was done by professionals, to show that people with dementia or Alzheimer’s are still capable of more than we think.

Finally! I have been witnessing this disgusting sexual abuse of hair dryers in my gym for years and was longing for the day someone does something about it.

A swimming pool in Iceland took to action after a local swimmer Haraldur Jónasson wrote a letter of complaint that was published in a local newspaper. 

Titled “This is not a ball sack dryer” it read: “Don‘t dry your ball sack or your butt with the communal hairdryer in the swimming pool or the gym. Bald older gentlemen with hairy torsos must either bring their own blow-dryers or just buy a more absorbent towel.” 

This phenomenon is, of course, not just a problem in Iceland. A quick google search will bring you to a Reddit thread asking “old men who blow dry your balls in gym locker rooms, why do you do it?”. It has hundreds of responses, but the most common excuses given are avoiding “dampness,” “stickiness” and “friction” caused by a towel.

Just get a better towel, you horrible sex offenders! 

According to China Times, a woman from Hong Kong, after experiencing constipation, had gone to the toilet to relieve herself and when she came out, her family members found that she suffered from amnesia. They discovered that she had forgotten everything that happened over the past 10 years.

Eight hours passed before she was back to normal. The worried family sent her to the hospital, thinking that there was something wrong with her brain but when doctors checked on her, they found her brain to be functioning normally.

She also did not remember her temporary amnesia at all and the source of the memory loss seemed to be a mystery until a neurosurgeon explained that it was caused by her constipation problems. He explained that this amnesia was reportedly due to the excessive force she exerted when she wanted to relieve herself during constipation.

This excessive force led to an increase in abdominal and intra-cerebral pressure which caused a lack of oxygen flow to her brain, resulting in a short-term memory loss. The doctor also said that people who are highly emotional or frequently carry heavy objects have a higher risk of suffering from temporary amnesia. He advises those who experience a similar situation to always go for a check-up. He added that these people are 30% more likely to experience a stroke compared to an average person so it’s important to ensure that they are healthy.

The doctor continued to explain that if she had pushed even harder, she would have turned herself inside out and would have been consumed by her own anus and ceased to exist. All that would be left of her is a tiny anus. I guess she dodged a bullet there.

New research by Gordon Muir, a urologist at King’s College Hospital in London, finds that procedures to make penises larger do not work, are “ineffective and risky” and leave many men physically or psychologically scarred, with an expert saying they should almost never be carried out and that men were being exploited by “charlatans”.

There is “scant” evidence that the range of procedures men undergo in an attempt to enlarge their penis actually produce that result, according to a review by British experts.

“These procedures should almost never be done,” said Muir. “They can cost up to £30,000 or even £40,000, often the man ends up with a penis that is disfigured and there is no more than 20% satisfaction rates with these procedures.”

But not all hope is lost. You can always try those penis enlargement pills they advertise on porn sites. Those definitely work 100%. If you have money, you can also do what many men do and just compensate with a massive douchy car and excessive muscles.

Why is there a bench in a barber shop?

The pharmaceutical company Pfizer has been producing the erectile dysfunction drug in Ringaskiddy, Co. Cork for the last two decades and villagers claim that Ringaskiddy’s proximity to the plant has been giving local men – and even their canine friends – massive boners.

Barmaid Debbie O’Grady told the Sunday Times: “One whiff and you’re stiff. We’ve been getting the love fumes for years now for free.” Ms. O’Grady’s mother, Sadie, said that living in Ringaskiddy is a blessing for men who suffer “problems in that department”, adding that there is “something in the air”. She added: “I’m a flirtatious woman, a lot of us are. You just have to have a spark, that’s all. There’s a lovely man waiting down the road for me.” Fiona Toomey, who recently returned to the village after five years in America, said that local dogs “walk around in a state of sexual excitement”.

Pfizer denies these allegations and calls them nothing but an amusing myth. “Our manufacturing processes have always been highly sophisticated as well as highly regulated,” they said.

A new craze is supposedly taking Hollywood by storm and it involves newborn baby foreskins, because why the fuck not?

Blanchett told Australian Vogue “Sandy Bullock and I saw this facialist in New York, Georgia Louise, and she gives what we call the penis facial and it’s something – I don’t know what it is, or whether it’s just cause it smells a bit like sperm – there’s some enzyme in it so Sandy refers to it as the penis facial.”

The penis facial, not to be confused with the classic penis facial seen in all porn movies, contains the EGF serum. EGF is derived from the progenitor cells of the human fibroblast taken from Korean newborn baby foreskin, which Louise says helps to generate collagen and elastin. The foreskin is collected during circumcision and the stem cells are then harvested and extracted through a centrifuge.

Other cosmetic products that are becoming increasingly popular in Hollywood are the pig sphincter bunion slave and the sacrifice of Philipino virgins to Satan. The latter gives you perfectly smooth skin until the day you die.